An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank.
As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars,
Pesos and Liras. When they returned back to their hide-out,
the American distributed the money in three even shares.
He counted each portion aloud:”1000 Dollars for me,
1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you …1000 Dollars
for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you …
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras
for you …”The Mexican said to the Italian, “Well I
can’t stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are
honest.”

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.
He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one
wish, but only one.”The man thought for a minute and said,
“I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been
able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me
claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built
from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes
and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of
all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold
up the highway and how deep they would have to be to
reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement
that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,
“There is one other thing that I have always wanted.
I would like to be able to understand women. What makes
them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are
they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what
makes them tick?”The genie considered for a few minutes
and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

Ol’ Max had been a faithful Christian and was in the
hospital, near death. The family called their pastor
to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed,
Ol’ Max’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he
motioned frantically for something to write on. The
pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper,
and Ol’ Max used his last bit of energy to scribble a
note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to
look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his
jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the
message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol’ Max died. He said, “You know,
ol’ Max handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t
looked at it, but knowing Max, I’m sure there’s a word of
inspiration there for us all.” He opened the note, and read,
“Schmuck. You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Bob owned a German shepherd. The people next door
to him owned one of those goofy-looking white rabbits
that they kept in a cage. When he came home one Saturday,
his dog was running around the yard with this white
rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit had mud and dog slobber
all over it, and it was very dead. Instead of being a
man and telling the people what happened, Bob panicked.
He took the rabbit away from the dog, brought it into
the house, washed it off with soap and water, and dried
it with a hair dryer. He waited until it got dark, snuck
the rabbit back over next door, put it in the cage and
relatched the door. He hoped the neighbors would figure
the rabbit had died of a heart attack or something. A few
days later, he was out in his yard and he saw the lady
from next door. She came over to the fence and said,
“I guess you heard what happened.”He said, “No, what?”
She said, “We have had a death in our family.”He said,
“Who died?”She said, “Fluffy. And the weird thing was,
after we buried him, somebody dug him back up, cleaned
him off, and put him back in his cage.”

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. More
recent ancestors had included Senators and Wall Street
wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a
legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired
a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that
great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The
author said he could handle that chapter of their history
tactfully.Two years later, the book was published. It
said: “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied
electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his
death came as a real shock.”

A guy and his wife are down at the pub one Saturday
night, downing the drinks at their usual alarming
rate. After the eighth pint, the husband says to his
wife, “You’ve had your last vodka and lime for
tonight my love - you’re sozzled!”Outraged, the old
girl asks him how he can possibly tell.”Easy, my love,”
he replies, “Your face has gone all blurred!”

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

Why don’t cows die of heart attacks if milk is high in fat
and cholesterol?

Why are cows milked from the right side?

How do you know it’s new and improved dog food?

If you named your dog “Stay” and you taught him to obey
your commands, what would the dog do if you said,
“Come, Stay.”?

How come a dog hates it when you blow in its face, but
hangs its head out the window when you are driving?

If dogs and cats didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

He left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was
back in a few seconds.
“Who was it?” he asked.
“My husband,” she replied.
“I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?”
“Relax. He’s downtown playing poker with you.”

A man wanted to find out if both his wife and mistress
were faithful to him. He decided to send them on the
same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s
behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about
the people on the trip in general, then casually asked
her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew
to be his mistress.”That woman slept with nearly every
man on the ship,” his wife reported. The disheartened man
then made a date with his cheating mistress and asked
her the same questions about his wife.”That woman was a
real lady,” his mistress said.  “How so?” the encouraged
man asked.”She came on board with her husband and never
left his side.”

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over
and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby.
The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks
the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good
samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down
the address and gives it to him.The man walks over and
tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy
and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet
and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.”Jeez,” the
man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He
takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out
to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of
his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides
down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to
get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the
address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger
door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the
ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his
feet and practically drags him to the front door. He
lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy
falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy
answers the door.”Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a
little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride
home.”"That was nice of you,” she says, looking around,
“But where’s his wheelchair?”

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to
find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious! Here she is
in the middle of her first year as Senator of New York and
this has happened to her. She gets home, gets Bill on the
phone and immediately starts screaming. “How could let this
happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get
me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I just found
out I’m 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! YOUR FAULT!!
Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothiing but dead
slience on the phone. She screams aain, “Did you hear
me?!” Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study
at an English university and was living in the hall
of residence with all the other students there. After
he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she
asked. “Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible,
noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his
head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other
side screams and screams all night.”"Oh Donald! How do
you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbors? “Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them.
I stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through
a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally
qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them
one question and their answer would determine who would
get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the
fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his
right.

The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head.
There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just
there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” He asked the second man.
“Hmm….let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you
don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing
I know of.”"Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink
of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed.”

Then he turned to the third man who was contemplating his
reply.”Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip
that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the
barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light
is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the
speed of light” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he
posed the question.”After hearing the three previous
answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known
is diarrhea.”

“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other
day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But,
before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I’d shit
my pants!”

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements
in their respective ambulance team’s response times.
“Since we installed our new satellite navigation
system,” bragged the first one, “we cut our emergency
response time by ten percent.”The other paramedics
nodded in approval. “Not bad,” the second paramedic
commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic
patterns, we’ve cut our average ERT by 20 percent.”
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, “That’s nothing! Since
our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our
emergency response time in half!”

An 16th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
“George and the Dragon.” He knocked. The Innkeeper’s
wife stuck her head out a window.”Could ye spare some
victuals?”The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty
clothes. “No!” she shouted”Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted. “Could I at least use your privy?”
“No!” she shouted again.The vagabond said, “Might I
please…?”"What now?” the woman screeched, not
allowing him to finish.”D’ye suppose,” he asked,
“that I might have a word with George?”

The police in Willoughby County, New Hampshire recently
busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets that he
claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their
files, the local police noticed it was the fifth time
he had been arrested for committing this exact same
medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794,
1856, 1928 and 1983

There’s a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he’s a golf
fanatic. Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up
early and golfs all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up
early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet,
and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining
a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the
wind is blowing at 50 mph. He comes back into the house and
turns the TV to the weather channel and sees it’s going to be
bad weather all day. He puts his clubs back into the closet,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up
to his wife’s back, and whispers, “The weather out there is
terrible.”To which she replies, “Can you believe my stupid
husband is out golfing?!”

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But - being payday -
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire week’s
wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night
he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or
three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with
me.”Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday,
the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

Little Johnny and his classmates had just finished a tour
of the local fire station. Before each student could leave,
the fire chief quizzed him. The fire chief asked little
Little Johnny, “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?”
Little Johnny replied promptly, “I don’t put them on.”