Fred Abernathy was a devoted reader of the obituary
column of his local paper. All of Fred’s friends knew
of this habit, so one day they decided to play a trick
on him by placing his name and picture in the obituaries.
The following morning Fred picked up his newspaper, turned
to the obituary page, and there he saw his name, his
biography and his photo. Startled, he went to the telephone
and rang up his pal, George. “Listen,” he said. “Do
you have the morning paper? You do? Please turn to the
obituary page. You have? What do you see in the second
column? “There was a pause, then George said, “Holy smoke!
It’s you, Fred! It’s you all right! Listen, where are you
calling from?”

FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT AROUND IN 1957 SEE WHAT
YOU MISSED!!! Remember this?
The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the
way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks
groceries for $20.00.”

(2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”

(3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to
quit. A quartera pack is ridiculous.”

(4) “Did you hear the post office is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?”

(5) “If they raise the
minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store.”

(6) “When I first started driving, who would have thought
gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be
better off leaving the car in the garage,”

(7) “Kids today are impossible.
Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.
Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as
long as the girls,”

(8) “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn
in “Gone With The Wind”, it seems every new movie has
either Hell or damn in it.”

(9) “I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some fellows they call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”

(10) “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t
surprise me if someday that they will be making more than
the President.”

(11) “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. They are even making electric
typewriters now.”

(12) “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see
where a few married women are having to work to make
ends meet.”

(13) “It won’t be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both
work.”

(14) “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those
Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop
of a hat.”

(15) “I’m
just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business.”

(16) “Thank goodness I won’t live to see
the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
Congress.”

(17) “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice
weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

(18) “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore
for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.”

(19) “No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a
day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was very
despondent over the recent death of her husband,
Earl. She decided that she would kill herself and
join him in death. Thinking that it would be best
to get it over quickly, she took out Earl’s old army
pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart, since it was so badly broken in the first
place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become
a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor’s
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would
be on a woman. The doctor said, “Your heart would be just
below your left breast.” Later that night, Mildred was
admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee…

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry
the little girl across the street. The father being modern
and well-schooled in handling children, hid his mile
behind his hand.”That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have
you thought it out completely?” “Sure,” his young son
answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the
Next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run
home if I get lonely in the night.” “How about
transportation?” the father asked.”I have my wagon, and
we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, inexasperation,the man asked, “What about babies?
When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”
“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.
“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg,
I’m going to step on it.”

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
“I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?” 

Who was the first person to say, “See
that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes
outta its butt.”

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?
 
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out
of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
 
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables,then

what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the
hemisphere, but call a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ___?

A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She’s sitting at the table with:
Her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary.  On their special day a
good fairy came to them and said that because they had
been such a devoted couple  she would grant each of them
a very special wish.  The wife wished for a trip around
the world with her husband.  Whoosh! Immediately she had
airline/cruise tickets in her hands.  The man wished for
a female companion 30 years younger…….  Whoosh….
immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into
the laundry room, he shouted to me,  “What setting
do I use on the washing machine?”  It depends,” I
replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled
back, “University of Oklahoma.”  And they say blondes
are dumb…

Did You Hear About the Dimwit Who:
Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage?
Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they
had free delivery?
Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?
Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay?
Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman?
Thought asphalt was rectum trouble?
Wouldn’t go out with his wife because he heard she was married?
Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period?
Thought “no kidding” meant birth control?
Studied for five days to take a urine test?

He took the defeat like a man - he blamed it on his wife.
I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.
Our marriage was a love match plain and simple: she was
plain and I was simple.
The first part of our marriage was very happy, then on
the way back from the church….
Don’t marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper.
Take a 9 to 5 job in Las Vegas - the wages are poor but
the odds are great.
It isn’t easy being a Mother - if it were, Fathers would
do it. He became a baker because he kneaded the dough.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring,
and suffering.

Pointing to the bear rug on his den floor, a hunter told
a friend, “I got this one in Canada. It was either him
or me.” The friend said, “Well, I suppose he does make
a better rug.”

Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for dinner.
The maitre d’ asked, “Do you have a reservation?”
One Indian chief answered, “Certainly. It’s in Arizona.”

The dare devil stunt woman had lost her balance.
The psychiatrist was attempting to establish a friendly
relationship to facilitate treatment.
“Tell me about your work,” he said. “What do you do?”
“Well,” said the stunt woman, “I jump off cliffs, I wrestle
man-eating lions, I swim under water for fifteen minutes
at a time and jump out of moving helicopters.”
“My gosh! How to you manage to live*?”
“I take in laundry.”

A doctor told a blonde patient that she had two weeks
to live.
“Oh,” said the blonde,”Can have the last week in July
and the first week in August?”

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, my leg hurts what should I do?
Doctor: Limp.

You know you’re a redneck if your wife’s hairdo has ever
been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You know you’re a redneck if both your dog and your wallet
are on a chain.

You know you’re a redneck if your house doesn’t have curtains
but your pickup does.

You know you’re a redneck if your car window is a Hefty bag.

You know you’re a redneck if Red Man chewing tobacco sent you
a Christmas card.

You know you’re a redneck if your family tree does not fork.

You know you’re a redneck if the primary color of your car is
‘bondo’.

You know you’re a redneck if you have a rag as a gas-cap.

You know you’re a redneck if in your wedding picture, you had
a toothpick in your mouth.

You know you’re a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a
bug-zapper quality entertainment.

You know you’re a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than
your wife’s head.

You know you’re a redneck if directions to your house include:
and then you turn off the paved road…

You know you’re a redneck if going to the bathroom at night
involves putting on your shoes and carrying a flashlight.

You know you’re a redneck if people ask to hunt in your front
 yard.

You know you’re a redneck if your most successful pick-up line is,
“Hey Baby, nice tooth!”

You know you’re a redneck if your daughter gets married and all
the wedding guests sit on the same side of the church.

You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You burn your front yard instead of mow it.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath.”
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb
as a brick.”
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos.”
You’ve ever given rat traps as a gift.
You always answer the front door with a baseball bat
in your hand.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
You’ve never paid for a haircut.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The taillight covers on your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You have every episode of “Hee-Haw” on tape.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to “Show & Tell.”
You’ve ever bought a used cap.
Your baby’s first words are, “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking,
hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel
a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up
to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t
climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there,
looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t
hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s
chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up,
looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. “So,” says
the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to
see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re
saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn
off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
24 Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
In fact, about a month ago while at home, I spilled some
red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to
berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive
the blouse was. One thing lead to another and I ended up
with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well. I
tried to get the stain out using the bargain detergent
my cheap husband bought, but it just wouldn’t come out.
I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle
of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the
stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the
police’s DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again,
for a great product! Well, gotta go, I have to write a
letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Recently Widowed

“Doctor, Doctor I can’t seem to stop stealing things.”
“Have you taken anything for this?”

“Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
“Yes I know; we cut your hands off.”

o fish get thirsty?
What happens to the fish when lightning hits the water?
What part of a fish is a fish stick?
Why do they call them man-eating sharks? Don’t they eat
women too?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Why is it that when you pick out the fish you want in
the pet store they can never catch that one?
Since all mammals have to drink liquids, what do whales
drink?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitos?
Why is it that mosquitos buzz around your ear first before
they bite you?
Do they just want to make sure you know they are there?
What do you call a male ladybird?
Are female moths called myths?
What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were
invented?
Why do some women shave off their eyebrows then paint
them back on?
Why don’t we get goosebumps on our faces?
Why is it called a haircut when you get them all cut?
Can a person with no eyebrows really look surprised?
Why does blonde hair turn real dark in the water?
What does your tongue taste like?
What does the inside of your nose smell like?
If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does
it come out straight?

Man 1: I just read that it takes 3 sheep to make a woolly

sweater.
Man 2: Gee, I didn’t even know they could knit.

Man 1: I’ve traced my family right back to royalty!
Man 2: You mean King Kong?